Kevin — October 5, 2006, 9:13 pm

Why people get married

I think I have a new theory. Bare with me, this theory is all of ten minutes old, so it may come out a little… lumpy. But I need to write something, so what the hell.

Ok, so I just got home from work, and decided to make myself some dinner (as opposed to the usual, which is grabbing a slice on the way home). At my disposal I had some pretty meagre ingredients; some thawed slices of once frozen pot-roast (Buy-Low had a sale on the big ones; I sliced it into “budget steaks” and froze them, like, three months ago) that I threw in the fridge to thaw a few days ago and forgot about. I hacked up some tomatoes, onions and peppers (those were ok, bought them about 4 days ago) and reached way, WAY back in the freezer and got this frozen lump of a bun which I thawed for about 10 seconds in the nuke-box and then toasted.

I George Forman’d the roast (is that even a verb?) and then dug into the tupperware bin in the fridge that had some cheese in it from about… a month ago? two months? I dunno. I hacked off the spotty sides, figuring the cheese-core was probably still good – that went on top of the then cooked meat, which was covered post-grill with some BBQ sauce which, while ‘fat free’, contains one metric fuckload of sodium.. You know, to that end, Can I digress a moment?

Have you noticed that? That “low fat” stuff seems to consist mostly of SALT? How the FUCK do these people manage to transform SALT, of all things, into anything other than salt? Why can’t we come up with sodium based gasoline? Chris, the last time I dunked my head in the ocean it didn’t taste much like anything, but recently i’ve begun to notice that it’s EVERYWHERE!


So in 30 minutes i’ll either be dead, vomiting or watching the Bittorrent of Lost that I snagged last night. Even money right now on all three. ANYHOW, I’m about to eat this… thing… when it hits me. I say to myself “you know, it’s a good thing I live alone, because if I lived with somebody I cared about, I’d never feed them this crap”. I mean, sure, I’LL eat it, because it’s just my body – which I hate anyhow. All it’s done for me is get saggy and lose it’s hair (though I have a sneaking suspicion one of those symptoms might be linked to meals like this, or the fact that I eat pizza slices for dinner four nights a week).

So that’s when it hit me. We hook up with someone so we can eat better. If I had a significant other here to dine with, I’d never feed her this junk. I’d make something snazzy. Something simple, yet elegant. But since there’s nobody here, I’m left to my own devices.

THAT’S why people get married and get all those applicances as gifts. Because they have to finally start making an EFFORT in the kitchen!

Huh! How about THEM apples.


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  1. Comment by foley @ October 5, 2006, 10:29 pm

    There could be something to that, ’cause when Sam goes out of town, I buy a pack of hot dogs and buns, and maybe a box of that organic pre-washed lettuce, and that’s dinner for four days.

  2. Comment by Sarah Walnut @ October 6, 2006, 12:08 am

    It is true. I lived with a guy for almost 3 years and, as soon as I moved out, I lost almost 15 pounds. Suddenly I ate 3 pieces of cheese, 4 glasses of wine and a couple taco chips for dinner. I just didn’t care to make the effort in the kitchen. It does get old though…. Now I eat a chicken breast and steamed brocolli at least 4 nights a week. Stepping it up a notch! And I managed to keep 10 pounds off. 🙂

    Kevster, I recommend cutting anything frozen or from a can…you will notice a difference I think.

    But, yeah, no doubt people get married for the food and to play Easy Bake Oven, etc. I wonder if they find they gain 15 pounds when they get married…

    Anyway, here’s to 4 taco chips and red wine! Huzzuh!

    I’ve been drinking…since dinnertime.

  3. Comment by corsiworld @ October 7, 2006, 11:59 am

    Hold the phone there sports star. I think there are a couple holes I’d like to punch into your interesting and highly entertaining theory.

    First – when I was single I cooked all the time. I’d make enough for dinner and lunch for the next day or two. The difference being that I love cooking and find it relaxing. Sure sometimes it was the Walnut special (chips & wine) but if I was awake and hungry I’d make the effort to buy some quality ingredients and cook up a storm.

    Second – Yes, you gain some weight when you get married. It’s good weight, maybe not the most flattering thing in the world but after some tasty meals, exceptional red wines and bedroom shenanigans, that spare tire can turn into a winter all-terrrain from that sleek summer radial.

    Third – While your dinner sounds like an experiment of Frankenstein-like proportions, take advantage of the Inidan Lady in your building with her $7 home cooked meals (that was some damn fine butter chicken), invest in some “quick meal” cook books (that’s how I started) or just come over to “The Cove” and I’ll cook for us. Although last time we did that was when I was single and you and I went through a giant bag of Costco Chicken wings.

    What does this all mean, I don’t know. Hey, what’s that over there? (exit stage left).

  4. Comment by Cameron @ October 7, 2006, 10:42 pm

    What the… Corsi’s had the butter chicken?

  5. Comment by trish1118 @ October 9, 2006, 8:50 am

    I never cook for myself (unless you call heating up a bag of frozen veggies for dinner cooking.) but I love to bake. Problem: when you are alone it’s not a good idea to have 48 cookies, pumpkin breads, apple pies and cupcakes sitting around. My little hobby is very popular at work. Whomever lives with me better have a sweet tooth and an amazing metabolism!
    AND I always wondered why we give those people applainces..and formal dinnerware when I am not so often invited to formal dinners in homes still mainly consisting of furniture from IKEA.

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