Kevin — December 4, 2007, 1:04 am

I just got beaten up by a girl

…well, actually, it was FOUR girls, to be fair. And they didn’t just “beat me up”. They shot me with submachine guns, bombed me with grenades and basically curb stomped the shit out of me.

Clintone, Brimstone, Stakt & DirtySantos and I were playing COD4 (as is our merry want on these cold winder eves) when lo, a girlish voice spoke when we entered a room of “Search and Destroy”, looking for fresh victims. Then another girlish chimed in, and then, yet another still! Thinking they were pre-pubescent boys (I mean, come on, what are the odds of jumping into a room and finding FOUR GIRLS all playing the same first person shooter?) I chirped something about this bring a “mature title”. Then, thankfully, before I started berating them and mocking their poor parenting, I brought up the player list and HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY – discovered that we were playing girls from the legendary PMS Clan!

Now, Ubisoft has it’s own “all girl” gamer clan called the Frag Dolls, but word on the street in the gamer community is that while they’re all very pretty, they’re not exactly the worlds best gamers. It’s more of a “aww, look at the models in baby tees holding Xbox controllers for the photo op” type thing.

Well, let me tell you, The PMS Clan are EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE. While I can’t attest to their physical qualities, I can tell you about their gaming skills – over the next four matches, the PMS clan absolutely kicked the living SHIT out of us.

And while it was cute for the first game (I remember thinking “oh, that’s cute, the girls got lucky!”) my opinion quickly changed at the near shutout we faced in the next match. And it was pretty much cemented by the middle of the third match when about four seconds into our “bomb” game I was waiting for the round to end, picking P90 bullets out of my teeth. Again.

Brimstone gave up on the third match in disgust, Dirty Santos bailed one round after that. It was like being mauled by fluffy pink bunnies. Rapid, deadly, fluffy pink bunnies who have an uncanny knack for planting bullets in my fucking eye sockets, without error. By the end of round five, our declining gaggle of “super gamer geek dudes” decided we wanted to “go play some team deathmatch”. We bid the ladies goodnight and slunk off to lick our very bloody and charred gaping shrapnel wounds.

Fellas, let me tell you – those PMS girls are the real deal.

One of them said something to the effect of “we’re not girls. We’re gamers”. No argument here. They’re not just games, they’re very nice gamers who played incredibly, were amazingly sporting, worked well as a team, and absolutely beat the snot out of us without reprieve.

As a gamer nerd, it was absolutely and totally rad. It’s a bit like seeing a unicorn, and then having it gallop over in all its majesty and then it ram its sweet smelling candy coated horn deep inside your stomach, stop on your neck, and then trot off while whistling a Destiny’s Child ditty.

Finding a girl playing a first person shooter on the Xbox is pretty rare (it’s a very boy-centric genre). Finding four of them playing at the same time seems like an impossibility. But finding a group of girls online, playing an FPS game together, and then having them roll over you FIVE TIMES like a fleet of fucking dumptrucks? Do you know how that feels?


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