So a couple of days ago, it snowed. Unseasonably early for snow here, which was very exciting. Here’s the view out my window of the freshly covered street.
So what to do! Go tobaggoning? Sledding? Huck ice-balls at passing cars? Heck no! How about getting dressed up to tromp down to BURGER KING to pick up some of what are sure to be the WORST games for the Xbox 360 ever made!!!
That’s right, for a limited time, you can get one of THREE XBOX 360 games at Burger King for FOUR DOLLARS. FOUR BUCKS! YOU PAY FOR THE PRIZE IN THE HAPPY MEAL! How crazy is that! I saw a poster for it, was intrigued, and read some of the online reviews of these babies – and they sound to me like some of the most ill-conceived ideas ever. There’s a cheap-as-shit Mario Cart Clone where you drive around on a mini-bike in a Whopper outfit. The back of the box tells me (and they have, like, REAL Xbox cases and everything!) that one of the courses is “The BURGER KINGÂ® Parking Lot – Because you’ve always wanted to race a tiny bike through a BKÂ® parking lot. Don’t worry about the virtual employees, they enjoy watching you HAVE IT YOUR WAYÂ®”.
No fucking joke, that’s what it actually says.
Then there’s “Sneak King”. This is the budget “Stealth Action” title of the bunch – you sneak around as the creepy king, and creep up on unsuspecting citizens. If they’re hungry, they’ll have a little “hunger” bubble; you have to creep up behind them, surprise them, and present them with a tasty Burger King treat. Then you do a funny little dance! However, if the citizens see your freaky-king ass smile, they lose their appetite and you don’t get the points. The box? “However you like to sneak, you can HAVE IT YOUR WAYÂ®”. Seriously. You hide in a fucking GARBAGE CAN, and sneak up behind a girl, and then leap out and force her to eat a Whopper. C’mon. I HAVE to play this. It’s going to be a badge of honor on my achievements list.
So, if you see me online riding bumper cars or sneakin’ or racing mini bikes, and you’ve decided to check out this branding gone wild for yourself, send me an invite.